Daily me

2012-02-09T07:06:00.000-08:00

Recently there is too much things weighing on my mind - convo, meeting the deadlines for exchange, rearranging my schedules for tuitions and canvassing. I think tomorrow I will settle some part of my exchange application so at least something off my mind. But then when i think about canvassing, i start to feel my head ache. Actually it is not the best of canvassing i can think of. i agree that there is some kind of sense of achievement when you see the kids enjoying. but as usual, given my nature, i became awkward every time i go for it since i am alone. i find that i cannot connect to them. i guess all my life i have been in a safe environment, nice people, good parents - i practically get whatever i want. i guess i will never be able to let them know that i understand. i really hope to understand them better, to share their problems and maybe help them achieve what their goals in life. but there is really a problem, there is a barrier. i think it's either me or them. This is a stepping stone for me if i am considering correctional psychology. will i not be a good counselor? i cant even handle young kids like them how am i going to handle prisoners? i am such a failure..
My mood hasnt been very good either these days. but it's more towards the lower part. been crying to myself nowadays. yet, i have to look strong on the outside. so where do all my tears go? it goes back into my heart. why am i in this state? when i am younger, whatever i do is to make my parents happy. now, i am doing things which i feel tired of doing already (just so that i will not cause others trouble). i am not happy, i am tired. i dont understand why from young till now i am not living my own life. i am living for others. but i really want a life of my own. i want to do the things i want to do, not care about what others think or say. all i want to do is just be happy. is this so difficult?

2011-11-22T09:08:00.000-08:00

Why not just let me sleep forever. I feel so useless after personality. I can't do almost all the fill in the blanks and it's 50% of the paper:( I'm quite sure I will either fail or in better case, merely pass. Evo isn't any better either. Sigh. I can say goodbye to my chance of going for instep because my gpa for this sem will suffer..I just pray that the remaining papers will be fine. But bio..I think it'll be quite hard:( dear lord please save me! I promise to work harder if my results are considerable well ( best if I can go for instep) *prays hard*.

2011-06-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

went cycling yesterday. i really had a fun time:D at first i was so scared but slowly i got the hang of it. and i should really thank my friend for being so kind and encouraging. i stopped quite a number of times. but now my hands and butt are hurting. i think i gripped onto the handle of the bicycle too hard and i sat on the bicycle too hard..although my muscles are aching and i'm kinda in pain, i still want to go cycling again!! hehee. i want to try it again so i can get better at cycling!
this week is really packed for me because i have something to do or somewhere to go everyday of this week. but i think i like it that way..if not stay at home and rot. yet, sometimes, i just want to sit at home and sleep whole day. dont know why i just cant sleep enough. life is good so far, hope it'll continue:D

2011-06-07T20:24:00.000-07:00

i think i should feel hopeless and tired. just went to a few more childcare but there's still no news. why is it such a small matter require so much effort? maybe i'm useless..oh wells.
yesterday night, i did something i thought i would never have done in the past. but i thought i should let bygones be bygones. besides, i am guilty. i thought maybe i should do something to make myself feel better. if it is unsuccessful, then it's even better for me because i would feel like i have done my part and it's your fault now. i can then push the blame on others. why am i still giving myself excuses!
oh, tomorrow's the release of results. i guess i'll check it when the clock strikes 12. please wish me luck ok!:D

2011-06-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

went for lots and lots of movies this holiday. i think last few weeks alone i've already watched like..ok, let me count- pirates of the caribbean, kungfu panda 2, insidious, ladda land, x-men first class. quite a few right? but there are so many other movies that's coming out and i really want to catch them too. so i better find people to watch them with me before hand, in case i can't find anybody who's interested and then miss the movie like i have before. i would say that this holiday is quite fulfilling, fulfilling in the sense that i promised to watch as many movies as i can since i have been yearning to watch movies during the examination period. so, conclusion? goal fulfilled! but there's this one movie, i wonder if you would watch it with me. i really hope you would want to watch it with me..and i only want to watch this movie with you. but i guess maybe you might not want to watch it with me or you already have someone in mind. ok then, i will have my own backup plans.
i called some childcare already. actually i've only called 2 only. one went to the recorded message while the other one asked me to email them instead. oh man. why is it so difficult:'( i think i'm going over personally to another childcare to show them my matriculation card and maybe prof's email so that it will be much more convincing to let me in now that i am already there. but i am still hoping i would receive the reply of the email i sent out yesterday. if i receive it tomorrow before i leave for the new childcare, then i will just visit the one i sent email to. *pray damn damn damn hard* please god, save me. i really hope they will reply me by tomorrow morning. i don't want to approach another childcare..
i am happy to see people living their lives better than me. yet, at the same time, i am jealous. how i wished my life could be as colourful as them. but this is not up to me to decide. i dont have the ability to do so either.

since the last time we met, i've been thinking about you. i've been thinking madly about you. but i know that no matter how much i wish you would come, you never will.

2011-06-03T07:15:00.000-07:00

thought i applied for a facilitator job, but got called to be assistant facilitator. if you think it's ok, may i add that assistant facilitator is a role that is not paid and does all the sai kang. that was what happened on the first day though. it became much much more fun on the second day and it made me kind of miss the camp. hope that i will be given an opportunity to go for a few more camps if not another camp in this holiday, but as a facilitator of course (best if i can go with my friend again, hehee). i was lucky to have my friend with me. i think it would be so awkward if she wasn't with me. it was especially so on the first day..gosh. it all felt like a dream..i was thankful that we were allowed to stick together and got attached to a group like finally. and the people there kind of took care of us:D thank god for the blessings!
went for kbox with hafidza, jiayu and sara at hougang. that kbox was nice and comfortable and we really enjoyed ourselves. all the shouting and stuff. hahaa! first time i really shout my heart out and sang so much. one word: nice. after that we went to tampines for koi/gongcha and walked walked to search for jiayu's swim suite. this reminds me that i really need to go swimming soon! what an enjoyable day it was yesterday:)
why doesn't people stick to their promises?:( maybe you forgot or what, but i remember what you said ok? and i'm so disappointed with you. well, it made me see how i shouldn't always trust your words. and besides, promises are meant to be broken right.
i have to start to build up my courage. next monday i will call up those daycare centres and see who can allow me to sit in to observe their kids. the reason why i haven't done it is because i am afraid of rejection-.-" lame reason right, since the prof say that most centres are quite friendly. but what if they don't allow me to go and sit it? then i'll be so embarrassed..it's ok though, since it's all on the phone. so as you can see, this is the fight that has been going in my head for the past few days and it's stopping me from actually doing it. jiayou theo!
i cannot deny that what she said reminded me of him. why is it always like that. i imagine the good times we shared and i'll feel guilty again. sigh..if only i wasn't so mean..

2011-05-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

sometimes i just miss you and i want to see you badly. but i when you appear in front of me, i get so scared - my heart beat increased, i started to sweat profusely and i had to think of an excuse to leave. i bet i must have looked really weird in front of you. my excuse to leave sounded lousy. i should have invited you to come along at least so that i wouldn't look like a bad friend. but i just can't. i just had to leave, fast.
subsequent weeks, i kept hoping for you to come back. i waited at the same place, hoping you would come (and sit at the same place too). but you didn't. maybe, i scared you away..

2011-03-31T07:22:00.000-07:00

It's nearing. I have some expectations of you. Yet, I have a strong feeling that disappointment is awaiting me instead. I think I have over-estimated the value of our relationship, I misunderstood it. You might just prove to me that my feelings are accurate.

2011-03-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

After getting on with my life without you for a period of time, I don't feel a need to even have you here. I thought you used to be part of me, but I am wrong. I thought so because you were all around me, you are in everything I do, you just played a role in every single thing that happened. Now that I don't see you at all, I feel that you are totally redundant and I can live without you. Ok, since now I know this, you can just go away. You are just being a busybody poking your nose into my business when it does not even concern you. Think you got the hint from me and you are backing down right? Good. Now that you are gone, I feel less irritated and less guilty with myself. Thank you. I don't wish to snap at you again and again. I feel bad for doing that, but I cannot control anymore.
I wonder if how someone calls you actually reflects the relationship between the two. For example, if someone calls you a senior, what would that mean? I really don't know why it made me so sad..what actually is our relationship, I start to wonder. It made me rethink about us. I mean maybe it's just me, not us. Sorry, I think I'm reading too much into your actions.
Next week is the hell week. Quizzes on tuesday, wednesday, thursday and then assignment due on friday. Yet, I haven't done like anything. Gosh, what have I been doing during the holidays? I don't know also. Kept procrastinating, thinking I can like rush everything in a day or what. But well, I'm always wrong. Wish me luck.
Do you believe in angels? I do. It's really not naive to think that there is an angel because I really felt my guardian angel's protection. Thank you angel for looking after me and my family. Thank you. I wouldn't know what to do if you weren't here:)

2011-02-22T08:12:00.000-08:00

I'm having those mood swings. Something like angels versus demons. There's this voice in me that tells me to be nice. It's the one controlling my bad emotions. Is that what we call the superego trying to control the id? But the bad emotions always leaks out. It's just hard for me to hide it altogether. There is no balance point at all. It's just all good or all bad. Where is the ego here?
Being an aries, I like freedom and don't like the feeling of restriction. Sometimes all I need is some privacy. You understand? I would appreciate if you stop trying to know what I am doing all the time. I don't mean to be rude to you or what but it just pisses me off when you keep on asking, trying to find out my stuff.
I regret signing up for it. But what can I do now? Should I pull out? I'm afraid I'll make the team suffer. HOW?
I think I should just forget about you. I am mistaken, and I suppose I should not continue in this mistake. If it's meant to happen, it should have happened many years ago. I'm sorry for taking so much of your time.
I keep thinking back and whenever I remember about you and us, I feel so guilty. I keep thinking that I've hurt you. And maybe whatever happened is my fault. I just wish I could turn back time. But sorry doesn't turn back time. Sorry doesn't give us both another chance. I've hurt you and I cannot act as though I did nothing. I can't forgive myself and I think you wouldn't forgive me either. But I guess now there's karma. I'm suffering my own fate. Has it helped atone my sin?
Why can't I be like other people and move on regardless of my past. WHY! I SHALL REALLY MOVE ON. MOVE YOU THEO YOU STUPID GIRL!
Until I finally move on, I will continue to be this stupid girl.
Fall in love because you really love, not because you are lonely.

2011-02-19T08:14:00.000-08:00

I feel so cheat by you. You said you would but you didn't. Yesterday, I thought everything changed for the better. But maybe I'm just being too optimistic about us. You are still the same right? Someone who couldn't care less. I should try to ignore you, but whenever you came, I would always (never fail) to respond to you. It has been so many years already, you're still like that and I'm still like this. I hate you. I really hate you:'( Sometimes I have the urge to ask you, but then I would always remember that time when we were younger, how I forced you to admit something (which maybe you didn't want to admit. That's why you lied right?). I don't want to force you and then hear something I don't want to hear this time. I want to learn to forget, please.
Dear friend,
Don't pretend to care if you don't care about me. Don't stay in my life when you don't mean to stay.
Thanks.

2011-02-10T06:46:00.001-08:00

I may seem optimistic, but I'm thinking about it more than anyone else. Because I don't go around saying it, does that mean that I'm happy about it? Some people just unknowingly hurt others and they don't know. I don't know why I'm so angsty nowadays. I think my tolerance level is reaching it's limit. School work, those publicity stuff coupled with not enough sleep and someone that keeps getting on my nerve, I'm going to go mad! Sometimes I feel that I am very sacarstic, bitter, unaccomodating and gossipy (because I told my friends about what happened:P But I didn't edit anything ok! I'm just telling whatever that happened.), but I just can't help it. I need to get it out of my chest. Even as I confided in people, I couldn't really tell them exactly how I am feeling. I could only say part of the things out, not all. I still feel so angry with all those things (including that someone), angry with myself, angry with my life..Overall, I'm just sour and bitter.
However, I feel so guilty being angry with that someone because generally she's a nice person. Just that sometimes, just sometimes that person irritates me. I guess that person also don't know that he/she is irritating me. He/She just touched a sore part of me.
Dear Angel, [if you ever exist and I still believe you do:)] please help me make everything better.

2011-02-06T07:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel that I'm not good enough as a friend.
I don't make an effort to keep in contact with my good friends until one by one they start to leave the country.
I don't make an effort to wish my good friends happy birthday even on facebook.
I don't make an effort to meet up my good friends even though we are no longer in the same school.
Because I don't make an effort, we start to drift further and further apart until we no longer talk to each other. I realized how bad a friend I am. I regret. I regret not trying to meet up with those people who shared my sorrows, fears, worries and happiness.
I'm sorry for not trying. Or maybe I am trying, but not trying hard enough. I promise to try harder. I'm going to fix those broken relationships and continue those that are still there.
To my dear friend who probably is already on the plane on your way to Aussie: Thank you so much for always being there for me. I will really really miss you a lot. You and your company. May you do well in your studies. But must remember to play hard and study hard ok? I'll email you as much as possible, and that's a promise. I am quite sure you won't be reading this though.

And whenever I listen to this song, I'll think about you and our broken friendship. It's my fault. I shouldn't have avoided you and stuff. You did not do anything to hurt me, but protected and cared for me. Yet, I hurt you. What did I do? Precisely because I didn't do anything and treated you like some monster. I'm so sorry. You're pitiful enough with those broken ties and why must I, why should I add on to your sorrow. I know I'm such a bitch and now I'm so sorry. But I guess I can't do anything to fix anything. I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Gosh, those psychology things must have gotten into my brain.

2011-01-25T02:59:00.001-08:00

I'm having those sleepless nights ever since the night before school reopened. I'm suspecting I'm having insomnia, and I think this is bad. I wonder if I'm suffering from any illness:( I really wanted to sleep very badly because I'm physically very tired. But! There's like a thousand and one things running through my head. It's not just one night, it has been about 3 consecutive nights already. I hope tonight won't be another of those sleepless nights..
Today had a long talk with a friend, someone who is near to me, yet we don't talk that often nowadays. I learnt so much from our conversation today and it made me realize a lot of things. love talking to her, and it made me understand her better. I find her presence comforting:)
I think life has everything planned out for you and you don't have to always worry so much. Sometimes all it need, is time. Yea, I guess I'm just trying to make myself feel better because I feel that my life is taking forever to work out. But it does make me feel better to think this way. I think this is the so called the "Defense mechanism" we've learnt right.
Although I was comforted by this "heart to heart talk" session with my friend, I was kind of demoralized by another of my friend. It just made me feel that she's getting all that she wants and she's like boasting it. Maybe I am just bitter (to think it that way), but I feel that it's not that good to keep going on and on when your friend here does not have what you have. But hey, who needs whatever you have when I'm surviving pretty well here (I hope), right? Sigh.
School's been fine because it's just the starting. I think I really have to start reading my textbook and all because I'll look clueless in lecture. I felt quite confused during statistics today but felt that I learnt a lot from the lecturer. Lecture ended at around 1130. After that two of my friends and me all felt so hungry and decided to go to macs for lunch. Lunch was all about complains. Hahaas! Then we walked down to Yun Nam book stall to get the textbooks though I didn't get mine (I just went to check out the prices). Went back to HSS post graduate office and sat there to talk. That was such a long talk:) The three of us talked till the rain came, then went, then came, then went again before we all decided to leave. After that I went to eat xiao long bao with one of my friend (while the other leaves for home). Ordered like one tray each but still felt like eating some more, so we ordered another tray each. This time I really cannot finish and left two there. What a pity right? My friend didn't want to waste so slowly tried her best to finish it. She really did manage to finish it up! As we were deciding to leave, her roomie called and told her about a new ice-cream stall. We went over and then decided to get some ice-cream. The ice-cream is goooood! Shall go there again soon:) That canteen is seriously like my favourite place. Reached back hall at around 5 plus sick. I got so sick in my tummy that I threw up all the xiao long bao and the ice-cream:/ Quite bad, because the thing that came out was bitter..After that I didn't have appetite. Met my roomie and another friend for dinner but I really couldn't eat. Saw their sumptuous dinner but just couldn't put in my stomach, so I drank a coke. But i felt hungry after that and went to get cheese waffles.
I just got back to room. Okay, I feel tired now. I shall attempt to sleep. Actually I wanted to read something, but..I guess I'm just too tired. Good night.
I don't need you to survive.

2011-01-22T08:03:00.000-08:00

I thought it was over for me, but now, it seems like I'm still not over you. Or at least it feels like it. Gosh, I don't know why I have this feeling or is still harbouring hopes (I am not suppose to). I've gave up so many years ago, but now it's coming back. I found back the initial reason I liked you, your warmth, your gentleness, your friendliness..I've lost it after getting in contact with you again. But now I'm starting to remember it clearer. Maybe you shouldn't treat me so well. That way I know what I did in the past was right and continue to move on. I've moved on, but there's this string that keep pulling me back. You and our past is confusing me, haunting me, so will you do something to make me feel better. Stop torturing me please. Let it go and set us free..
School's going to reopen and there is this huge mess to clear. I think we are the bottleneck here so I better quickly do something and get those things done. I've been working during the holidays but this thing doesn't seem to be getting anywhere:( Must be my fault for being too slow again right? Sigh. And the Malaysia trip didn't help either, taking me off from work for 10 days. But those days in Malaysia were great. I didn't need to think about anything, worry about anything (because I can't do anything either). How I wished I had a life like that. But in reality this cannot happen to me. I miss the food and the people especially the kids. They made me realise a lot of things and that made me think about my past and future. I've got back my results and they are not fantastic at all. That made me a little disappointed, but I think I didn't put in as much effort as I am suppose to put in. This is the results I deserve and I agree with this. You reap what you sowed right? So I promised myself that next semester, I will work harder:) I know next semester will be a hectic one, one with 6 mods and all the publicity stuff to clear, so I have to plan my time, stay focus and work hard. This will keep my mind off a lot of things and people right?

2010-12-11T06:23:00.000-08:00

you've said it. i take the hint. maybe, just maybe i've stayed too long, now it's time to move on. i cannot guarantee i'll be fine so soon, but you can rest assure that i will be fine after some time. how long? i dont know. but time can heal all wounds. all i need, is time..

2010-12-08T06:15:00.000-08:00

you're my motivation:)

2010-12-06T07:17:00.000-08:00

i'm not sure what you went through, but given what you are feeling now, i'm sure you went through a lot. and it's not easy. it's not easy for someone who went through so much to put up a brave front. why don't you just tell me your story? i'm willing to listen to what you've got to say. no matter how long it will take, i'll still be there to listen to you. don't carry that burden with you anymore. put it down. leave your past because the future has so much more. i hope you can feel it one day. i want to make you feel it, i want to be there to protect you.
please let me be part of your life.

2010-12-02T05:38:00.001-08:00

i've decided. i want to be a clinical psychologist:)

2010-11-30T22:22:00.001-08:00

i made sure i had enough of sleep, dressed up and everything. just because i thought you were going to be there. i waited and waited. first person came, second person came, third person came..then first person left, second person left..i waited till the last person left the place. "hey, are you still planning to stay here? everyone has left." it was then that i finally realized that you will not come at all. i was disappointed. you said you were coming, you gave me something to look forward to, but you didn't turn up.

2010-11-28T07:20:00.000-08:00

i think i'm getting more and more attracted to you. i'm wondering what kind of feelings i have towards you..i can't be sure. i'm so scared i'll fall for you. i know i shouldn't, but i am afraid i can't help it..

Tonight by fm static
I remember the times we spent together
All those drives, we had a million questions
All about our lives
And when we got to New York everything felt right
I wish you were here with me,
Tonight

I remember the days we spent together,
Were not enough, it used to feel like dreaming
Except we always woke up,
Never thought not having you here now
Would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

I remember the time you told me
About when you were eight
And all those things you said that night
That just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
And the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
And stayed out way too late

I remember the time you sat and told me
About your Jesus, and how not to look back
Even if no one believes us
When it hurts so bad, sometimes
Not having you here

I sing
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

I sing
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

you're a secret i am trying hard to hide.

2010-11-16T11:14:00.001-08:00

i feel so useless. like i'm unable to help. like no matter how hard i tried, there are always problems with whatever i do.
i know i shouldn't feel that way. i mean when people criticise, they help you to improve. but why do i feel this way? i just feel so useless, so helpless..what can i do to help? what can i do to make everything better? i cannot do anything, i think i just made everything worse. it's just me.
they say that god made everyone special and he or she has his or her own worth. until now, i still haven't found my worth. and i wonder why he made me? maybe he forgot to take me, the flawed one, out of his creations.
sorry, forgive me for being like that- a disgrace to the people around me.

2010-11-14T19:37:00.000-08:00

work is accumulating, emotions are collecting with no place to express..sometimes i just feel so suffocated. it's like the next moment i might just die. there's nobody to listen because everyone's so busy with their own lives. i mean yea, some would stop if you ask them to, but do you want to trouble them?
i figured out that pretending was the best way out. you don't want to make your love ones worried, you don't want your friends to think that you're being such a weird person and always being such an emotional burden to them since they are already busy or troubled enough. i should just put up a happy and strong front. it will make matters so much better, for me and for the people around me. but it's so difficult! the elements of live keeps tearing me up..i feel so overwhelmed.
I WANT TO SCREAM OUT LOUD but i cannot. i want to hide in a corner and cry but i scared people might find me. i want to sleep forever and never to wake up but i cant bare to leave everything behind. is what i am doing now really what i want?

should i give up, or keep on trying? just pretending nothing is happening to me..

you taught me to be strong, i tried but i am failing. does it matter anymore when nobody cares?

2010-10-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

my new chapter in life just started a few months ago. life just never seems to be the same anymore- friends, school..everything's so new and unfamiliar to me. yes it was fun at first, but when everything starts to accelerate, everything's a blur to me. emotionally, it has also been a roller coaster. now i'm so confused- identity, goal, my motive for being here and doing everything i do..what do i actually want to gain out of all these? i see people as not understanding me, but i guess people will be wondering why i dont try to understand them and that i'm just too difficult to understand. is that part of the growing up phase? right now, i'm just tired, so tired that all i want to do is lie down to rest.

2010-01-13T05:24:00.000-08:00

i dont understand how i landed in this predicament. is it really my fault? or should i push the blame to others. but i've shown signs. could it be that my hints are too subtle? i guess i'll have to solve this problem myself..i should have declined it right away even though i feel much obliged to say yes. but there are consequences to bear if i say no right? it'll just make my day harder. sigh..but isnt it making my days hard now? i keep on thinking of a way to end this suffering-having to worry, so i've really decided that no matter what, i'm going to be a brave girl and fight for my rights! i must do it!!

now i shall not sit there and see if the prophecy comes true. no matter what, i'll make sure it doesnt come true. how can my life be summarised by just a word-"SCREWED"? no. that's not the life i want. but if it is fate, then does it matter if i fight against it? will i ever win?
我认命，可是我不认输。但是如果命中注定你是败者，那你可以不认输吗？

2009-12-27T08:58:00.001-08:00

do you think it'll still be the same?

recently i dont know why i was so much affected. actually i neednt think about it at all. it has happened before and it's just another history repeating itself anyways.

2009-12-26T05:32:00.000-08:00

it's just so amazing how just a smile or a thank you will make you feel. it really feels so great to be able to help someone(: but sometimes when you tried to help out but you are more of a touble than an extra helping hand, you feel like a useless bundle. hahaas! but thank god for the nice people around, also trying their best to help me out even though i keep doing the wrong things.

2009-12-22T07:23:00.000-08:00

just started work yesterday(: although it's kind of scary because it's my first one, but nonetheless, i still enjoyed it. the job is something like customer service so it's really bad if the customers ask you something you cannot answer and have to trouble your collegues again and again. there's just so much to learn!! everyday is a whole new learning journey i have to embark on(: and the people there are very nice too(:
but now i still miss the days in school. where we get to see our friends almost every day. it gets bored and lonely when you have to spend your lunch time or dinner time all alone..sigh. guess that's the way it is outside school.

i tried to keep myself busy, but everytime i stop, i'll start to wonder..

2009-12-13T09:26:00.000-08:00

recently, there is like so many nice movies that i want to watch! but everyone's overseas i dont have much company for movie now:( sigh.

#1 avatar
#2 storm riders 2
#3 princess and the frog
#4 zombieland

thank god we finished watching the new moon before prom(: if not..i dont know who i can watch with again!!

i divorced already(: guess it is be better this way. finally ended the stupidity on my side and is trying move on. think too much already. hahaas! but it still makes me happy to think of it. heheex!
stop your stupid dream and wake up! dwarfs are not suppose to dream!

2009-12-10T07:05:00.000-08:00

yesterday's prom night just officially marked our two years jc life. it was really fun! it is going to be one night i'll never forget in my whole life(: everyone looked so pretty and nice. in the beginning, the room was divided into two with our side being boom and the other half being prince. then there were a series of games and stuff. in the end boom won! hahaas! but everything still felt like a dream. hahaas!!

霎那光辉,但回忆长存(: i just got married. hahaas!! thank you everyone, for attending my little wedding and also allowing the wedding to take place(:

but yet you didnt bother..

2009-11-19T02:00:00.000-08:00

i'm so sorry for being so stupid. i dont understand why i just cant get it even though you all put in so much effort and money to teach me. sorry for being such a disappointment.

2009-11-04T07:23:00.000-08:00

two is better than one.

2009-10-30T05:49:00.000-07:00

it's so hard trying to fight a losing battle. SIGH!

2009-10-25T05:17:00.000-07:00

i find it increasing hard to control my emotions. i dont understand why but i am more prone to being irritated or agitated. i feel so bad being angry=P

2009-09-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

all the time i was and still is willowing in self pity.
won't i just wake up? how much more time do i have to waste before i can finally open my eyes to reality..months? years? how long do i need.

总是在跌跌撞撞时才了解，有些事情是不能强求。

2009-08-06T05:23:00.000-07:00

i just started reading "ps i love you" and i felt so much more enlightened now. although i have yet to finish the book, it already made me think about me, my life and the things and people around me.
life is so short that before we know it, it has already ended. until now, it seemed as though i just stepped out of my secondary school life yesterday. roughly less than two months more to another big thing. something that will open a new chapter in my life. why does time fly. my jc life seems so blurred i could hardly remember all the details of things that has happened in these two years. they are all but vague details left in my memory.

humans are so vulnerable. we think that we are almighty- we are the most superior of the animals, only we have the ability to destroy and create the environment..but we are still under the mercy of something powerful called death. when faced with death, we shudder. how many when faced with death can smile and say, "lord, take me away."? not many. it's really scary. but death is so unexpected we can never know when it'll come. when we are left we only not long to live, we start to regret things we did not do, things we did not say. every sec is an opportunity. if we lose it, we lose our many chances one by one. i am trying hard to hold onto it. but it's so hard to grasp. everything seemed to be slipping through my fingers and i don't know what to do. it's getting harder each day like climbing up a steep mountain or swimming against the currents. but do i want to live a life of regrets?

it's now or never.

even though i didnt want it, it's still stuck with me for the rest of my life. maybe it's my fault for the outcome now. but i wasn't the only one who wished for it. you played a part in the decision making. you decided to throw away those memories. and so i followed you. i thought i could keep my memories of the past in a box and bury it. but it's useless. it kept on coming back to me, like a ghost haunting me,. the ghost of our past.

p.s.
recently i am easily irritatable and i don't know why. if i have unknowing hurt you, i'm terribly sorry. i have been enjoying the solitude of the bus rides home, sorting things in my mind out. i shouldn't be so mean some times.

2009-07-30T08:23:00.000-07:00

fight on theodora! if you say you can, you will.

dear God, please let tomorrow be a smooth sailing day. i guess tomorrow will be my dooms day, but please dont let me die too badly. please let me stay alive because i'm still so young=(

but i'm struggling to stay alive now=(

2009-06-29T06:12:00.000-07:00

i was right! i knew you would never leave me to die(: you're always looking after me. i heard what mum saidi felt so happy when . i guess people say that we should feel freaked out instead, but do you know how elated i was to hear things about you? like a guardian angel, you have never abandoned me but watched me in silence. you're the best thing that has ever happened in my life! best i promise. and nothing else that happen is comparable to your very pressence in my life. until now, i realise how important you are to me. it's a faith, a kind of believe that keeps me going. what i believed to be the best thing that happened in my life in the past were but phases. i've gotten over it and am trying hard to move on. but something in the past just keeps on haunting me. i guess i have forsaken my naive believe a few years back. now, i am different. but i still dont understand why even though i worked, i still dont see the labour. am i not skilfil enough? why are they so smart and i am so stupid? :(

you'll always be in my heart no matter where i go, no matter what i do. i love you grandma!

2009-06-04T06:57:00.001-07:00

i feel that my life is so ridiculous. like having to be discrete when talking at home,working hard but not seeing the results, doing whatever i have did. i wonder sometimes if i am some kind of walking joke. i am you know. i really am. just look at me. dont you feel like laughing? ha. ha. ha. i feel that some people are just ridiculous. but i didnt realise until now that i am the ridiculous one here. i dont know what i can do to change things around. and i was so stupid to think that when i want it bad enough, i can change everything back.
if i were given a second chance..maybe things wouldnt be what it is now. maybe if everyone was given a second chance, i wont be here at all. living each day is like walking on glass. i am trying so hard to be strong. yet time and again, you have to break my defence. you just stabbed right into the centre of my heart. hahaas. i really love your pain. it grew the hate in me. my hatred for this world, for everything..hahaas.
dont worry, i wont let anything kill me yet. i havent seen the rainbow. and i still havent solve the mystery: what's at the end of the rainbow? i'll still try my best to be strong. this time i cant let anything pain me.
and i wont believe in what i thought could be right in the past. welcome to the world of reality, because from that instant, i have already left the dream.

2009-05-24T05:39:00.000-07:00

sometimes your words unknowningly just hurt another vulnerable heart. and you just get away with it not knowing how much pain you have inflicted. well, maybe it might work on some, but you never know. it might just kill another. i guess this just taught me another lesson. i've got to think before i open my mouth.
i could still remember how much i just wanted to just kill myself on that very day. i mean, ok. what's the big deal right? it's not true anyways. but i take things very hard. i understand that i am just another average girl. so average sometimes i'm afraid to look inside the mirror, afraid to see how average i really am. i am not smart, not gifted, not talented. i dont know what's my purpose in this world anyways. i see the future as very bleak. and i find myself becoming more and more stupid each day.

you know being in this situation is just so suffocating. it's like you're breathing down my neck, sucking away my breath. i could almost forget to breathe. please, would you just give us some space? dont force things onto us.

when i was thinking on my way home, on the bus, i felt so hopeless. i wonder who would be there to save me when i cant find any reason to fight on. but the stakes are high. i used to think that i have nothing to lose. i am wrong. i have a family whom i care. i have friends whom i love. i cant give up just like that. even ants are fighting to live, why as humans we give up so easily? i remember muncho's face. how he was in pain. yet he still tried to sustain his life. i remembered the look in his eyes. he was calling out for someone to save him, but we could do nothing. nobody can save me unless i fight for it myself. god won't help someone who dont help themselves. thank you. thank you for giving me the power to fight on. the power to live each day. i wont let your words pull me down because there are too many things that matter to me now. all i have to do, is trust in this gamble and finish this journey because since i am in it, i cant back out.

只需想到了你,打不死,輕傷的我哪敢死. since you, already so injured still wants to fight on, then what reason do i have to give up?

2009-05-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

everyday i see myself dying slowly with the piling work load
.

i kind of feel the need to let you see what we are going through. because every singly minute, YOU ARE IRRITATING ME! like what. every little thing that i do to you you have to feel pissed. isnt it kind of stupid. you piss what? i mean you made me piss that's why i do what i did to make you pissed right. why would i piss someone off for nothing. and by the way. the things i did wasnt really "pissing" enough for just any normal person you know. let me tell you why you are pissed ok. you are pissed off with us because we dont listen to you. we dont follow what you say. well, if you think we should follow what you say and stuff, then stop copying us. do you expect us to listen to a copycat who acts just like us. well, you dont act like us, you just got our things. you know what? you can never be like another person you know. you are you. unique and different. why try so hard to be like someone who you are not and make yourself uncomfortable. so what i am trying to say here is STOP COPYING WHAT I DO AND BE ORIGINAL!!!! it makes me fustrated to see another set of my things around.

i am sick. headache, stomachache, whole body ache and have no strength and fever. must be because of you! add fire so now my body feels like it's burning. grr.

i thought i would be greatly affected, by i wasnt. so maybe i wasnt so addicted after all.

2009-05-16T07:43:00.000-07:00

when you expose yourself too much, you suject yourself to more danger. but when you are tired and want a place to take off that shield of yours, where can you go? at that point of time, when you are unprotected, those enemies who are watching you like hawks watching their preys will strike. they take advantage of the opportunity and catch you off guard when you are bare. so what can you do?

you are probably the best thing that has happened to me. if my life were to start all over again, i hope that you will still walk into my life. even if the world ends tomorrow, you are one of the person whom i would never regret spending my life with.

2009-04-29T07:40:00.001-07:00

today's the last day. wonder how many times have i dreamt of this day ever since i became a councillor. but slowly along the way, i learnt to love something i am reluctant to accept. i love it for the people inside, for the things that i can do, the interaction between people, for the epxperience it gives and the satisfaction when you see your babies(events and mentees) grow. council has made up a large portion of me. it's like something i do everyday, something that is in my blood and that i can never forget or miss out. now, as we step down, i feel so empty. i feel as though there's a big part of me missing. tomorrow onwards, no more gathering at the study benches for morning ass, no more morning ass duty, no more staying back late to prepare for events, no more hanging out in council room..i wonder what kind of life will that be. well, i guess i'm about to experience it tml. sigh. one year is just too fast. too fast to even open your eyes after you closed it.

today is such a bad day to end my term. i cant believe all the while you hadnt understand me when i thought you were the one who understood the most. i am so disappointed in you, yet i feel dumb for having so much faith in you. thinking back, i wonder why i was hurt by whatever you said. by right it shouldnt have mattered to me. but it poked my wound. the wound i had to try and hide for so many months. is it successful? i dont know if it is. maybe on the surface, it does look like it is. but tell me, when that thing has hurt a fellow comm member in the process, has spoilt the relationship between people, then is it still successful? to me, i think i have failed. i really hadnt done much? no. i tried so hard. i really did. but i'm too weak to fight on. i still tried. i didnt give up. i tried my best to make sure everything went well. i did my part. and who thanked me? who appreciated me? who even remembered that there is this person called theodora behind the stage? nobody does and i know it deep down inside, just that i chose to act as though i didnt know the answer has already existed in my heart.
i dont understand why others always try to ask the ics dont stress, but when i was one, nobody even noticed i was one. you all comforted those ics who cried and got angry and looked stressed. but me? all i could do was hide in the toilet and cry. i dont need people to pity me. all i need is someone to understand me. but nobody does. everyone turns a blind eye to things that are obviously happening but not seen, everyone pretend not to hear. they only care about whatever that's happening on the outside. why? why cant you people stop to listen to what others have to say. is it fair to make others listen to you when you yourself hadnt been doing the same thing. that's because you dont care. if you dont care even about the people inside, do you think you have feelings for the organisation? i though i was numbed, but it still hurts. i'm sorry. maybe it should take a very long time to heal.
are we like what we used to be? or have we changed? is it you or is it me? but i havent seen much change in myself. all i could feel now is confused again.

is there anything to numb myself? i tried but it still hurts badly. is it my fault again?

2009-04-23T08:45:00.001-07:00

it's so hard to find someone you can trust now because you don't know who is real and who is not. and now, i'm so confused.
suddenly i felt so guilty for being such a friend. i felt so grateful you were there for me when i needed someone. at least there was you to turn to when the people out there were so merry and all i can do is hide in a corner and cry. i've always said i felt lonely but i never thought of you. maybe i'm wrong. i'm so sorry. i see myself in you. but you were there to comfort me and what i can do now is to aggravate your pain. maybe i havent thought of the what if you are not there scenario. if you weren't there, maybe i would have cried till i die. no matter what, thank you for being there. and we're still friends.
today brought my past up. it's like the past is haunting me again. i feel frustrated for being part of it. why must i be the one? why is it always me? must i always be the weakest one? 我不服. i cannot stay like this and settle for it.

i question my presence. why am i here? what am i doing? why am i doing this? did i come here by choice, or am i made to come here? am i still happy? are these people my friends? do they mean what they say? are they who they are? why am i so stupid? why cant i fend for myself? why do i willow in self pity hoping for someone to pity me? WHY AM I IN THE FREAKING MESSED UP LIFE??????

dear angel,
i should've known that i am left with no one ever since the day you left. if i say i miss you, will you come back to life? and live life with me like we have been living since i came into the world (till the day you decided to leave me). and now i am left confused. will you come and save me? but i guess you won't be here anymore. you left to give me a chance to learn, to grow up. but if growing up is killing me slowly and softly, will you still come? or will you still stick to what you intended for me. Please angel, tell me what to do now.

pain is good, because it's the only thing that make you feel human again.

2009-04-21T06:50:00.001-07:00

i did something bad today and i'm feeling really bad now. it's the kind of guilty feeling, the fear that someone will find out what you just did. i know the consequences i'll have to face is undesirable, yet i cant help but chance it. oh please, let no one find out how naughty i am. actually i'm not. i have a reason. ok, a reason is just an excuse only. sigh. will i be forgiven? dear lord, please forgive your sinful daughter. and i pray that nobody will ever find out what i have done. i promise not to do it again. i swear! if i ever do this again, i'm willing to bear the consequences now and then. but for now, spare me? let me get away with this for just one time. will this be kept a secret forever? why have i degraded myself to doing that? that's because i dont want to hurt anyone, especially you and me. maybe more of me, so forgive me for being so selfish. forgive me for being such a letdown. forgive me for being a _(secret)_.

my mind is in a roller coaster. i cant decide where is the front and where is the back. is that the opening of the cave? i thought i saw the light, but it flickered off again. so maybe that was not what i had been looking for. it is that artificial light that saved me. yet i dont know if it really did. or did it land me in deeper shit? i guess no one will ever understand my feeling right now. it's alright if you think i'm bad. but please do try to understand where i'm coming from. it's insufferable. i suck because i'm a bad bad bad bad bad girl=(

2009-04-19T06:43:00.000-07:00

i'm so confused now. i dont know who is the good person and who is the bad one. someone just reminded me that there is no absolute black and white in this world. there are many areas of grey where people still havent clearly defined. you were nice, but you are not. i feel so stupid being deceived by you. i shouldnt have trusted you in the first place. it's all my fault for what you have done to me. and now, i have hurt the people around me because of my childish acts. i'm am so sorry for those people whom i have snapped at throughout this course of time. i lied to myself because i couldnt come to terms with your changed attitude to everyone. i still fighting in myself because i dont know if this is the true you or what. now i finally came to terms with it and i am fustrated with myself. why am i so stupid?? well i am stupid. i saw you through the eyes of a stranger, unbiased by the nice things you have done for me. at least i woke up from my dream(: thank you for making me realise that nobody is nice. seeing is not believing. things are made to look as though it is what it seemed.

ctc has ended and it taught me many good lessons. it made me see things i have never seen before and it brought me back to a year ago when we were first recruited as the 6th students council. i cant imagine life without council work. although it is tiring, but i felt joy when i worked with the other councillors. thank you everyone for making my journey a fun and enriching one although emotionally i am strained by everything that has happened in council.

but it made me wonder why i am where i am. sigh.

2009-04-13T07:15:00.000-07:00

i so tired. physically weak and mentally drained. i feel like giving up now. it's becoming increasingly difficult to face my yesterday and it's even more difficult to move on. why keep pushing on when all you get is disappointment-disappointed faces, foul mood and tired bodies accompanied by tired brains.
i'm sorry if i couldnt tell you earlier. i don't have the courage to open my mouth. i planned to tell you today, but everytime i see your face, i didnt want to hurt you. i'm so sorry for being such a disappointment. i'm so sorry. maybe you're right, you will be better off without me. suddenly i'm so sick of life. time is rushing by and i'm still where i was a while ago. the time wave is so suffocating i could not breathe.

2009-04-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

it's almost twleve. and i dont know how i should feel. one year older. will that make me any wiser? does that make me any smarter? i doubt time will ever make any difference to me.

2009-04-02T07:22:00.000-07:00

stop irritating me!!!!!!!!!! i am so irritated because everyday it's so noisy. the both of you are always bugging me. why cant you just leave me alone! firstly you are such a noisy person. not only are you long winded, you are also picky, bossy and busybody. in the first place, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! you also. always say people noisy. you yourself also equally noisy and irritating. forever threatening me. i dont understand why must you give me so much pressure. why cant you treasure all that you have and stop taking everything for granted and thinking about what will happen when you start to lose them. my goodness. i think i am so going crazy. nowadays cant seem to keep myself focus. and i feel so stupid. i am such a stupid girl. it's a disaster to have me in this world. one more stupid and useless person wasting the land, eating more food, using more water, wasting electricity..sigh.

if you dont care, dont act like you care. i know you dont. so stop pretending and stop your disgusting actions. i feel disgusted by your everything.

2009-03-29T06:39:00.000-07:00

i got a hunch that the next few days will be quite a nightmare for me. jia you theodora(:

2009-03-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

"And the last seven months meant nothing. And his words in the forest meant nothing. And it did not matter if he did not want me. I would never want anything but him, no matter how long i lived."
-Bella, new moon

2009-03-26T06:12:00.000-07:00

everyday i'm fighting with myself.

i think you are such a wimp. you know you just make me feel that you are so fake.

2009-03-22T02:10:00.000-07:00

i think everything now is just CRAZY!!! my world is like going upside down, and i dont know what is happening and why it is happening. maybe it's just a dream. i'll wake up from this nightmare won't i. i will i will i will. then everything will be back to normal(: i will wake up soon, i'm sure:(

since my world is upside down now, talk to my feet.

2009-03-18T22:45:00.000-07:00

holidays are killing me! there's like so many things to do yet i have so little time. and because it's the holidays, i feel more slack than usual. sigh. there's just so many things to finish and so little time.

i'm just so scared and traumatised.

2009-03-16T07:07:00.000-07:00

Broken strings by James Morrison ft Nelly Furtado
Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you and so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late, too late

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late, too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
So how can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

2009-03-16T06:26:00.000-07:00

gp is a total screw up. all the essay questions that came up were the topics i wasnt familiar on. i wanted to do the environment one but i dont understand the question. so i figured out i might as well not do it. and i chose something that i wrote nonsense about. i dont even know what i'm trying to say! look as though i just went back to primary school. and paper 2 was worse. i couldnt explain the words and i didnt know how to paraphrase the summary. AQ was..bad. i only wrote two paragraph and all is on passage 2. sure get like 0 or 1 only. i am going to fail gp.

it's so scary. now i'm so terrified i wanted so much to hide myself away. your game is terrorizing me.

2009-03-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

life is so vulnerable that we should cherish every seconds of the time spent with our love ones. who knows what tomorrow brings? suddenly i felt so guilty taking things for granted, acting as though i am suppose to have what i am having now. but i am wrong. god have a choice not to give me whatever i have now. in due time, he will take them back. they will all go back to him. so maybe this is the time i start appreciating the things and people around me. i thank my parents for giving me a chance to see this world and bringing me up with love, care, money and education. i thank my aunt for giving me tuition seeing that my physics is really horrible. i thank my friends for accepting me and also accepting my nonsense many times. i thank god for every single day i live. i thank him for giving me what i have and making me who i am. do be thankful for everything you have lest you regret not loving them when they are gone because you wont know when it will be gone.
may you get well soon.

my guardian angel died many years ago and from then on, i never believed in angels anymore.

2009-02-23T05:58:00.000-08:00

theodora has grown a little more through this incident. physically and metally, i guess i am a little stronger than before.

it's time for me to move on in life.

2009-02-20T03:30:00.001-08:00

if you happen to read this, this post is dedicated for you:

i have been bottling up my thoughts and feelings for such a long time i finally mustered that courage to talk to all of you. i thought of just pretending nothing has happened and just get on with my live, but because you all meant a lot to me i cannot pretend that i don't feel what i am feeling. i cannot hide from you all all the time. that is because i don't want our friendship to end this way. i think i made the wrong choice to talk to you all. i should have kept quiet. anyways, what harm will it do if i kept everything to myself right? no harm. you won't get hurt, he won't get angry. but this has been bugging me day and night. i couldn't find anyone that understand how i feel. i was totally miserable i dread seeing you all. you all are always happy..and when i was down, you all didn't understand why i was down and how i felt. even someone not very close to me can come and say a few words of comfort you all completely just act as though i have no feelings. i don't need you all to know the reason behind it. just a word of encouragement will do. just by saying, "hey, i'll always be there for you if you need me ok?" alone will make me feel that you all care. maybe this sentence could have resolved all these feelings i had for you all. i don't need you all to do big things for me. actually it is these little actions that show me you all care, not big ones that show me as though you all care. you all always claim that you all have tried talking to me. but i never received any messages nor phone calls from you all. you all never approached me. i should have guess it. you all don't need a person like me as friend anyways. i am stupid, sensitive, introvert and i am not popular as you all are. i am not worth your friendship. sorry for being so thick skinned to think that you all have always regarded me as one of your closer friends. i am so sorry i have been such a burden to you, causing you shame and making you all disgusted. it is a correct choice to ignore me from then. i understand everything now. i am sorry for this afternoon's heart to heart talk and i promise none of this will happen ever again. i won't waste all of your time anymore. thank you for once being my friend. at least that is what i think. thank you for being so nice to me. i treated you all as one of my better friends even if you didn't think the same of me. thank you once again.

Dear Angel,
please take me away with you . i am willing to following you where ever you go as long as you will take me away from here. my heart ached so much it felt as though it would break into two. i guess the only way to heal me is to take me away.

the old me is dead and gone. nobody will ever scar my heart of stone.

2009-02-18T06:14:00.000-08:00

i miss you.
i miss those times when i had someone to talk to about troubles i faced in school and with my friends.
i miss those times when i told you who i hated and you would make me feel so much better by telling me how bad those people were.
i miss those times when you mocked at my choices.
i miss those times we spent our day watching videos we borrowed.
i miss those times when we went to buy lunch after school.
i miss those times when we comforted each other and encouraged each other.
i miss those times we quarrelled and then after a day or two, become good friends again.
i miss you terribly.
i find life so much harder without you. unknowingly, i became so attached to you. even if i denied that i will miss you, i am missing you right now. it has been quite some time and yet, i am unable to put the past down and move on. almost everyday, i think about the past and dread living in the future. until now i am still living in the past. but somethings made me realise people change. the things around us are changing all the time. why do i still hope for me to go back to the past? why am i so stupid?
i havent changed. i havent at all. it is you people who have changed. why do you people always think that the problem lies with me. all the while i have been there. you people were with me there. but now, i guess you all have chosen to move on without me. i stood there watching your backs turn and leave together, and i am all alone standing there. why do i choose to isolate myself and turn hostile towards you people? cant you see, now i am filled with hatred, anger, fear and loneliness. why cant you people see. yea. i guess you think i have gone mad. indeed, i am a changed person. as i told you people, a scar will always be left even if the wound is healed. i told you all so, but you all didnt want to believe. now, you all just cut right through that scar and left another bigger wound. and i wonder when this can heal. i am sorry, maybe i am not worth to be your friend. you need someone who is outspoken, enthusiastic, fun, loud..but hey, you all know i am not like that. if you all really treat me as a friend, you will accept me no matter what i am. but i guess, i am just too lousy for you all to accept me at all. sorry for wasting all of your precious time and effort trying to change me. i guess i can never be changed anyways. old habits die hard. i am theodora kaur and i love being who i am.

i am like the devil among the angels, the dirt on a patch of snow, the worm among a group of butterfly..i guess, you will understand.

2009-02-13T02:59:00.000-08:00

today's friendship day. is it suppose to be a day where friends express love and gratitude? but i just thought it's suppose to be like that. well, i guess i am wrong. i have set too high an expectation, wishing too much from people. but time just made all of us drift apart. you may think that i am irritating because to you i, i am someone who is throwing tantrum at you for nothing. but hey, have you remembered me? have you considered me in at least some things you do? hahaas. it's ok(: i am fine. i'm used to people hating me. i just found out how many people hate me. or maybe, i already found that out long time ago, it's just that all the time, i'm living in denial. thanks for letting me realise that i'm such horrible pest.

2009-02-10T04:59:00.000-08:00

Dear you:

hello. sometimes i think that i am just one of your tools. someone whom you can make use of. i've tried treating you as a friend. yet, time and again you made me realise i can never be right. i understand sometimes it is hard on you. always trying so hard to be accepted. but have you thought of the feelings of others? maybe why you always had to try so hard is because you have never considered how your words or action might just hurt another person. stop trying to stab someone and then find ways to heal that wound. many times when a wound heals, it will leave a scar. i guess maybe you have seen through me. maybe you have already guessed what kind of person i am-timid, dont like to voice up and always keeps to myself. but well, you havent seen the other side of me. i am a very sensitive person. my feelings of strong and hate is very strong. i hope you'll see this soon. stop acting like you are oh-so-great and that you know everything. you know what? actually you don't know that much yet. there are reasons why i do certain things and don't do certain things. unlike you, i do things for a reason. you, only has reasons for running away from things.

i would greatly appreciate if you could just stop.

thanks.

from
theodora.

i don't want to always be the one. anyways, thank you to people who understood what i was going through and how it felt(:

2009-02-08T07:12:00.000-08:00

yesterday marked the end of orientation. finally. finally after 6 days of waking up early and taking taxi to school, life is back to normal. but..not quite the normal though. there are many changes. changes that i dont know because it is going to happen i guess. the school is much more lively with the j1s and it just felt weird with us being the seniors of the school. looking at the orientation video, it felt as though i just came into mj yesterday.
orientation made me realise a lot of things. i learnt that i shouldnt take things for granted and that i should treasure everything around me because the relationship between people is so vulnerable it could just break anytime. all the while i thought i wanted to hate, but now, i found out that maybe i was wrong to hate. i should love instead because i all these while i have had the wrong thinkings. i thought it didnt matter but deep inside i should have known i was lying to myself. i should have known all i wanted was to be part of it. i should have understood how much all these meant to me. right now, slowly i feel as though i am being accepted. i felt a sense of belonging. thanks to all of you.

i was so scared when everything just happened so fast i almost thought it was just another nightmare. indeed it was a nightmare. but it's a nightmare that happened for real.

2009-01-28T06:22:00.000-08:00

there's a guardian made for each and everyone of us. they are the people who are always behind the scenes doing their best to keep you happy always. have you found that guardian of yours? i've found mine. but maybe it's a bit too late now. but at least i know that i was not alone through my growing up years.
i'll always love you grandma, no matter where you are.
what if you were to die tomorrow, will you regret living today? will you regret living at all? i think i'll regret. i still havent found that reason to be satisfied with my life. maybe all my life i've been trying to blend into the backgrounds that i've forgotten i'm even existing in the first place. maybe, just maybe one day i'll do something that for my whole life, i'll remember that i've succeeded just because i managed to do that thing. but for now, as i look into the mirror, i have a big question-who am i? who is that girl in the mirror staring back at me? this is a journey in search of self identity. i wont live in regret if i can find my old self.

2009-01-24T05:49:00.000-08:00

i'm wrong. i didnt know i was until i had a setback, until i learnt how to crawl on my knees because i couldnt walk anymore. day and night i think, i kept on thinking until now, i dont even know what i'm actually thinking about. why do i have the abililty to assume things. i assume that i'm smart enough to do things right. i assume i have the strength to set things straight. time and again, i assumed. i thought i was nice, but i'm cruel, mean and detestful (if there's such a word). i didnt even know why i ended up where i am now. everywhere is so misty it's hard trying to find a way out. sometimes i try so hard i feel like a fool. why stay optimistic when being optimistic is so unrealistic? there's no right and wrong in this world, but only shades of grey, so stop giving everything a definite answer.

and the stars decided to lead the way.

2009-01-17T03:27:00.000-08:00

i tried to stay far away from it, but it just seems that no matter how much i tried to keep my distance, i still end up having to face it. why is life so complicated? a few more weeks. i told myself i few more weeks and maybe i would have the load off me. but i have already told myself this phrase ever since a few months ago. this time, i am sure this will come true.
school reopened about 6 days ago. everything is as usual. life is as sucky as ever. i dont understand why i'm such a magnet for trouble. everytime i try to stay out of trouble, the trouble will automatically look for me. sigh..guess there's still more to come since it's only like the beginning of school. is the my 10 months nightmare began just a few days ago..now i start to wonder when i would wake up. why did i even chose to sleep in the first place.

2009-01-07T07:20:00.001-08:00

i want a make over! i want to change my hair, my face, my body and my heart. wait, maybe my brain too. is there any place where i can go for this treatment?

2009-01-02T07:33:00.000-08:00

i just watched twilight today! i'm so happy i finally got to watch this movie(:(:(: although the movie was quite different and not as exciting as the storybook itself, it was nonetheless worth watching(:

now i shall go work on my holiday assignments=( jia you everyone doing your holiday assignments(:

2008-12-24T06:58:00.000-08:00

twilight.

2008-12-18T06:49:00.000-08:00

i think time makes us realise that maybe we dont understand each other as much as we think we understand. how long does it take for two people to go from strangers to friends? i think it should take a shorter time for us to go from friends back to strangers. i didnt think it would be that fast. maybe i'm not destined to have a long time friend. i tend to lose them. why? i've always wanted some friend who would grow up with me..like..those in tv shows. oh..but they are just shows. how can it be compared to real life??

2008-12-11T06:45:00.001-08:00

i'm offically a first aider(:

i went for a three day first aid course which started on tuesday and ended today. well, i passed. not because i'm good, but because others have helped(:

2008-12-03T07:24:00.001-08:00

being an introvert is kind of peaceful.
dont you just enjoy being in silence?
actually i do.
sometimes silence just make you feel lonely.
but at least i have it as company.

currently, i'm learning how to step out of my comfort zone.

i wish to say a super big thank you to everyone who has taught me dancing yesterday. sorry for not learning fast and keep forgetting=P but i'll try harder one!

and i think and think, but my brain is only filled with images of you.

2008-11-29T04:29:00.000-08:00

i found this:

She found him drowning. He was just floating at the top, until she came along.
She took his hand, and assured him that things would be fine. Just so long as he fought for it, and didn’t drown again.
She told him, that all he needed was hope. Hope and a friend. Luckily for you, she laughed. My name is Hope. And I’ll be your friend.
She found him drowning. He was just floating at the top, until she came along.

current mood: disappointed and sad

2008-11-28T05:09:00.001-08:00

just returned from ogl camp. for the first time of my life i only slept for an hour. but everything was worthwhile. although i didnt do much, i still manage to help out. i'm going to redo my ora proposal. i'm going to make it something successful, not as screwed up as it was during the camp. i will, i must. tired, but i have learnt somethings. actually we humans are so tiny as compared to the universe. suddenly i feel so tiny. yet, we are trying to prove that we have power over something that is bigger. why are we always trying so hard?

2008-11-25T04:59:00.000-08:00

i miss your smile=/

2008-11-22T21:01:00.001-08:00

TIRED and EMPTY.

that's me now.

it's a bit too long dont you feel?

2008-11-21T04:24:00.000-08:00

why this weird feeling.

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When i met you on the outskirts of town, and I said
Romeo save me i’ve been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, i don’t know what to think

it's so stupid to dwell on it. when it's over, stop mulling over it and move your ass theodora.

2008-11-20T03:14:00.000-08:00

this is TEH(: i kind of miss the time spent with them now that the camp is over..

I know sorries, just wouldn't do it
Her heart is obliterated, I'm trying to travel through
But it's like moving mountains...
It's like moving mountains... hey.
But I keep climbing and hoping things would change
And the sky turns gray, and the water from the rain washes progress away.
It's like moving mountains...
It's like moving mountains...
Why just leave me?
Just leave me be.
Just leave me.
Just leave me be.
Why you just leave me just leave me be.
Why you just leave mejust leave me be, ooh.

i feel so crazy now.

2008-11-18T05:29:00.000-08:00

today marks the end of our three day two night camp. although at first i dread going for this camp, i've grown to love it. our camp started on sunday. in the beginning, everyone was so new to each other that nobody started talking first. even though we probe them, they still like shy shy. after brainstorming for a group name, we decided on calling our group TEH. hahaas! cute name right? our group was the only group with no female participants at all. so yinmei and me were the only two girls in the group-.-" so cool! we dont need to really go take care of anybody. the shyness slowly disappeared through the activities we did like playing floorball, rock climbing and of course lots of group games(:(: our day ended with the night walk, which was not at all scary. our night walk is like solving a mystery about a murder case. we have to go from station to station to like solve puzzles in order to get clues on who is the real murder. although our group didnt manage to finish all the stations, we at least managed to guess guess who the murder is. kudos to the smart TEH people. hahaas! after this was supper cum debrief session for the campers then followed by debrief for facilitators. yinmei and my santury duty is the first slot, so we did it first before going to bath. ended up sleeping at around 2 plus. the next day we woke up late and had to do a forfeit-.-" the second day of the camp was more of a campfire preparation day. we spent a lot of time planning our skit which had a theme- teamwork. besides this there is still the first aid courses and the organising a cip course. we had to like think of a cip to do. but everyone in our group like sian sian like that so we just anyhow did it. actually it's like more of yinmei and hadi doing it only la. after this course was handball game. we learnt how to play handball which is really really fun!!! i think handball is the best game out of all(: at night we had our campfire. the mood for it was generally high except for when we screwed up our skit, our group the morale like became low. thank god even with a screwed up script, we still got a third. this kind of cheered us up. soon was supper cum debrief and of course we had a debrief for facilitators. last night our santury duty was the last shift, so yinmei and i woke up at about 4 to bath. today was also quite a slack day. we had telematch which we didnt win and was quite disappointed. so we somehow depended on the dragon boat race. because we came in first for dragon boat race, we became the overall champion(:(:(:(: everyone really put in a lot of effort. i love TEH!

i'm so happy you are unique in this world.

2008-11-14T02:35:00.000-08:00

i'm so sick. yesterday was a long day, mentally and physically challenging. reached home at about 12 without dinner. whole body ached so horribly i thought it might just fall apart. yesterday was my stupidest (if there's such a word) day. first thing, i injured my leg because i was too anxious to tell everyone something-.-" i walked right into a chair. second thing, i was too eager to get hot water for ama that i forgot that the bottle i was using is made of plastic. and what did i do? i poured hot water into it straight away. the bottle shrunk immediately. the water overflowed and poured onto my hand. suddenly i felt so stupid. but the product was amazing. the bottle was so cute! but it was later thrown away though:( oh wells. good things always come to an end anyways. this morning had to wake up early for lit lecture. at first i didnt want to come to school. but i thought we need to buy the book, so i came in the end. i guess this is why people thought i'm fine. i wasnt. in actual fact, i was feeling dizzy. thank god thendral was with me(:

maybe it's my fault. i shouldnt have showed this indifferent attitude towards you people. but i really couldnt help it. i felt that since i'm so tiny and dont have a say in anything, i might as well shut up and leave. i know i'm running away. i'm always trying to hide when there's a problem. but this time, it took me so much courage to just open my mouth and say that i needed to say something. it didnt work for me because i didnt have a chance to speak my mind. maybe i should have pestered you all. i'm so sorry my character is giving you all problem. but i really did want to help out. i really did. yesterday no matter how bad i felt, i still put in my 101%. i tried to help out in areas that is in need of people. today, i swear i really am sick. i swear. if i'm not sick today, i'll grow to become even more stupid than what i am now. or..i'll get strucked by lighting and get knocked down by the car. thinking again, there is a really big problem. i know i'm speculating and that this may not be true, but it felt so right. my gut feeling is telling me this may be the case.
i've learnt an important lesson: I'M NOT GOING TO BE AN OSTRICH ANYMORE.

if you think you can take over me, so be it. but i believe i'm unique and you are too. you can never take over me, who i am in life, my friends and family, my roles and responsibilities..this time you have won. you managed to replace me. this is the last time things like this is going to happen. i'm not going to let anyone replace me anymore. especially you.

2008-11-12T19:33:00.001-08:00

yesterday was a horrible day. so horrible i wanted so much just to disappear. for the whole day, i wasted my precious little time sitting there and doing nothing. what for? just so that maybe, just maybe i can help up too. and what do i get whenever i tried to do something? you people just packed me into a corner. i felt so hurt yesterday. so hurt that my heart and mind ached. have you ever tried to put in effort for something and in the end people just ignored whatever you did? maybe you havent had such a situation before, but i have. you all just deleted whatever part i edited for the proposal and changed it into something else you all liked. you all havent even discussed with me beforehand that you all wanted to change everything. you all treat me like fool dont you all? but thank you to those who tried to make it better for me. "overcoming is the best revenge." i'll remember(: i'll never give up, not today, not tomorrow.

2008-10-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

it's tiring to trying to juggle everything. sigh..now i'm dead tired. there's so much going now right now..theory exam, op, j1 bash and then ogl camp. but i guess it's ending so very soon, piano this sat, op this coming monday and j1 bash next next thursday(: there's just so many things i want to do right now that i just cant wait! =(

lord, please give me strength to overcome all my difficulties.

2008-10-28T06:03:00.000-07:00

i imagine. i really shouldnt. it'll just make me more miserable. why not just let the wind blow away my sorrows.

2008-10-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

i saw you, right here, right now(:

2008-10-26T04:04:00.000-07:00

nobody will ever understand what i'm going through. definitely not you and you and you..maybe not even myself. you are not me, so dont judge me because in the first place, you didnt give me a chance in the first place. i wasnt given a chance to prove you wrong. and why do people always see things on the surface. no one tries to find the cause of it. nobody questions why the outcome is like this and not like that. people always see things as white and black. are they aware that there are areas of grey, areas in which we cannot define. right now, right here, i'm stuck in that area of deep grey.

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

2008-10-25T07:40:00.000-07:00

when nobody gives a damn about your life what do you do? sit there and cry? or willow in self pity? hahaas..neither. you just heck care and slack even more. this is what i am doing right now. i am so indifferent to people ignoring my existence that i'm giving this i-dont-care attitude. and what do i get in return, people thinking that i dont do what i am suppose to do and just run away from all my responsibilities. why am i so useless? forever the small character never speaking up. i am such a COWard..mooo...cow..hahaas-.-" i'm heading back to the farm then..since i belong there. i'm such a COWard mah. and i must go COWard towards the farm. hahaas..this is how i tried making my life a little bit more happy. but there seems to be something lacking inside..this feeling of emptiness..i wonder when i will be filled. ok..nevermind about that. i'm always saying the same thing. Went to watch nights in rodanthe with aamilah and thendral on friday. that show is sooooo nice. although i slept in the front because it was kind of draggy at the beginning, i woke up because of thendral, and manage to catch the second half of the show. that part is the nicest(: it made me realise that we should always cherish the people we love and not take them for granted because life is so short and everything is so unexpected:(

2008-10-23T00:50:00.000-07:00

just for you and you:

everything in life is so delicate. sometimes when you stretch out your hands and try to hold onto it, it just crumbles right in front of you. and then you find out, you have nothing left. everything on the surface looks so happy and well but yet, you are hollow, you are so empty inside you feel like dying. who will understand you? nobody. even when friends try to comfort you saying that it's ok and they understand, they are still not you. how will they understand the pain you are going through. but we are all human, even though the pains we felt are different kinds, they are all still considered pain. i feel all the pain that you felt. i understand..i really do. they are the pain that goes right through your heart and even if everything is healed, there will still be a scar. but..i believe everything will be fine. it will. because life has to go on. it wont wait. just do what you think is right..although time wont wait, your friends will. they will wait for you forever, no matter how long you take. sorry for not saying anything because i dont know what to say..but it really hurts me to see you like that. i will always hope the best for you no matter what route to decide to walk..but must carry on with your believs no matter what obstacles spring out ok?? i'll be there if you turn around, even if nobody walks with you, i will(:

and i walked the life of a stranger.

2008-10-20T06:40:00.000-07:00

i want to watch movie! but people just dont want to watch movie with me): why must we like wait and wait for people? cant we just go and watch the movie? i'm not going to wait anymore. no matter what, i'll go and watch a movie by myself..although i feel weird watching movie on my own. but i'll still go. why cant i go watch movie myself? hmpf. suddenly i feel sad for myself. come to think of it, i dont have a lot of friends. and people who really understands me, are really countable. it's just sad...maybe time really will cause people to drift apart. those days in the past..when we just said we want it and we'll just do it without hesitation. now..you people are no longer the same. i'm sorry, but maybe i'm just too lousy..sorry for bothering you..sorry for still trying to still maintain everything. i am stupid. i am so stupid to think that things and people dont change. but i'm wrong. people do change. maybe one day we walk on the street and i wont recognise you anymore. to you i dedicate this to:

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

sorry for intruding into your wonderful life.

2008-10-19T06:16:00.000-07:00

yay! i was wrong. i knew i was wrong. but actually i didnt. i doubted. i shouldnt have doubted. i should have faith. well, i felt so much better after finding the truth. or maybe..this mistake was just an excuse for me to forget..(: i'm happy(:(:(:

if i had believed, i should continue believing..not start to doubt.

2008-10-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

i dont know how i felt after yesterday. =/ why should i feel so messed up anyways? actually it's no big problem. seriously. i'm just crazy..i want everything to be so perfect but i must understand that there is nothing on earth that is perfect and that there is no one on earth that is flawless. i have my flaws too..why cant others have theirs? if i believe in something, i should stick to it all the way shouldnt it? but on the other hand, i dont see what all this can and will lead to. currently, i'm confused. but i know deep inside, i'm not.

it doesnt change and may not change for a while.

2008-10-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a super tiring day. really tiring. almost died=/ hahaas! but it's a fun fun fun day. went to kent ridge park for recee with my pw mates. we were walking walking when it suddenly rained. but we still had to continue. we walked from one park to another, a park with the metal bridge (i dont know what's the park called though). it was fun walking on it but it was really slippery so must walk slowly. we walked and stop at places with pavillions so that we can sit down and rest. i dont know how far we walked but our finally stop was viviocity(: nice place after a super long and tiring walk(: that was the place where we ate. after a tiring morning, i met mum at the temple at around 3. we wanted to eat the desert, but it was closed. i seriously hope it's not like winding up. my mum said i was a jinx when the place which sold my favourtie la mian closed down. =( no more la main for me..oh wells. we ended up eating beancurd instead. after this we went home and the because i was too tired, i went onto the sofa and slept(: my day ended with piano lesson at night. actually piano is not that horrible after all. i mean piano theory, not the practical.

2008-10-09T06:32:00.000-07:00

got back our maths paper today. i'm quite shocked actually. i thought i might have failed..and might have failed badly too. so we got all our papers already

my results:
gp-e
h2 chem-s
h2 physics-u
h2 maths- d
h1 lit-d

ha..but i may be retained. because of that big fat u i just earned myself. suddenly i got so tired of worrying, i just give up. next year: hi, i'm theodora from jc1.
yesterday was quite horrible. when i got back my lit, i was very happy, yet i felt kind of like whatever (something like roll your eyes moment). but chem was like super disappointed. when i got my script, i was like 42???!!!! i got an S. i studied like one month ago and i got an S-.- maybe it's because i just read through? =P i was totally flabbergasted. and when i leave the lt, i almost broke into tears. so for the whole day i was like low low low low. songs which tell of a hero passing by and saving you by giving you strength and hope are lies. lies made to make us feel better. i no longer believe in those anymore. i'm my own hero. luckily there were nice people around. maybe they are the heroes. thank you so much for yesterday(: i love my friends(:(:(:

maybe you're not like how i thought you to be. i just protrayed you to be how i want you to look. it feels so much better knowing this fact. but its still hard..

2008-10-07T06:05:00.000-07:00

maybe it's not that bad after all. at least i still have a tiny chance of getting promoted/advanced. i passed my gp. although it's not a good pass, like smack 45, it's still a pass right? actually i'm contented, but there's this feeling bugging inside me. everyone's doing so well like getting d and c but me? i'm just struggling to pass. i have been feeling rather pathetic. actually it's more of feeling stupid. well, what more can i say? i asked for a pass and god gave me a pass. i am thankful. really am.
this few days have really been a roller coaster. and i am still on the roller coaster. thanks-to everyone who tried to convince me that i will not be retained(: i feel so much better because of you people.

2008-10-06T05:10:00.000-07:00

i'm a soon-to-be retainee of mjc. is this a piece of good news? i feel like it's the end of the world.

reason why being a retainee is not good:
#1 seperated from my class friends like thendral and yinmei
#2 have to quit council meaning i'll have to leave my council friends
#3 must get used to a new group of people and maybe a new environment (cca)
#4 teacher may pick on you
#5 ego problem because you're now studying with people younger than you so you feel a lot more inferior
#6 there's a higher chance of me getting kicked out of the school for not doing well at the end of my second promo next year and then end up in no where (no school at all).
#7 my mother will be more worried for me and my future and be more stringent towards me and everything i will do.
#8 get nagged at (keep on reminding me about how stupid i am) whenever i do something wrong (even if it doesn't concern my studies at all)
#9 i'll be even further away from you

but really, why should i feel like that? actually getting retained isn't that bad after all.

reason why being a retainee is good:
#1 get to make new friends
#2 get to start all over again including choosing my subjects, ccas and learning of the A levels cirricular
#3 since i have already learnt whatever i am going to learn again, i should understand everything better and do much better than how i just did
#4 can work on my foundation so i have a stronger foundation for the important exam
#5 i won't feel the stress when my ex peers are preparing for their A levels
#6 get to enjoy myself when my ex peers are busy mugging their ass off for their many mini tests or major block test.

well, people are coping with this well why can't i do the same too? i am sure i can do it and i'll do it much better. but, i don't want to waste just another year repeating the same old thing. i want to move on. i don't want to waste my parents' money. oh god, please just let me get promoted. or advance at worse..

things i'll do if i get promoted:
#1 spend my holidays revising all that have been covered throughout the year
#2 do more practice questions
#3 clarify any doubts i have with any subjects especially physics
#4 read both my literature texts

please god, let me get promoted. i want to mug my ass of with my friends next year.

2008-09-25T04:26:00.000-07:00

promos are disgustingly sucky. maybe i'm the only one who felt that way. i suck, so does promos(:

2008-09-19T06:21:00.000-07:00

promo is just two days away. and a lot of time is spent on trying to squeeze what i have within a short period of time into my head. this time, i really did study. i really dont want to be retained..we had our study break on thursday and friday. we are suppose to have consultation today, but because we didnt have any questions to ask, we decided to not go for consultation. ah, just wasted our time going to school. but well, at least it's fun(: after eating breakfast at macs and sitting there crapping with yinmei and thendral and aamilah who joined us a bit later, i went to city hall to meet queen. then we went for lunch at marina square and then went to starbucks hoping to find a place to study. in the end, we ended up going to gloria jeans instead. so we ordered our drinks and sat there to revise our works. we ended up spending half the time trying to solve a chemisty tys question about a can of cola-.-" but overall it's quite fruitful because i managed to finish remembering free radical substitution(: good! hahaas. i'm really scared of promos!!!! especially physics. i cant seem to do any questions. how?!

2008-09-07T06:53:00.000-07:00

i feel so ashamed when i think of you. do you understand how it feels to lose your own game? i'm sure you wont because you're obviously life's winner. and i hope you'll always stay the winner even though life's getting tougher. i must work harder! i cannot trail behind you! hahaas!!

you brought the rain and the thunder(:

2008-09-04T06:56:00.000-07:00

our holiday does not look like a holiday to me. but it's kind of good because you get to wake up later than usual, catch up with your work without your school trying to teach some more (when you havent even reach what they taught the week before yet). but it's very scary because i feel i havent really done much yet. I'M SCARED! hahaas. there's still physics tml. and yesterday was maths. even going for extra lessons are useless when you are not listening to what the teacher is saying. yesterday's lesson was spent doing my revision package-.-" when i can do it at home, why should i come back to school??!!! i'm not even listening to what he's saying! felt kind of bad though. ok..i'm going to listen tml. if..i can finish until forces that is. jia you theodora!!!!! you can do it(:

cause i'm trying, trying to walk away..

2008-08-28T00:48:00.000-07:00

i'm in the library right now(: hahaas! life is so bored here..ahhh..i feel like dying! everyday i'm reaching home so late and i'm not doing any revision at all! like what's my problem right? ok. i'm going to start now. right..now. oh. i came across a nice new song called thunder. very nice(:

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

i miss 4 harmony! queen! bi! the rubbish suite! tec! mr soon! i miss chung cheng!!!!!

and i'm feeling just like that

2008-08-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

One step at a time by Jordan Sparks

[Verse 1]Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

[Bridge]You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

[Verse 2]You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

[Bridge]You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
[Chorus]We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in loveIt's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

[Verse 3]When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
When you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way we get there
Is one step at a time

[Chorus]Take one step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

[Chorus]One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

this song is so meaningful! we must really take thing one step at a time. dont rush. everything will work out in God's pressence. he knows what's best for us and he'll do his best to provide for us. just try your best and leave the rest to him. jia you everyone(:(:(: